This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
By Zac Hyde
In what surely comes as shocking news to the milk-alternative drinking community, millions of baby oats around the globe are apparently being deprived of adequate nourishment as demands for oat milk skyrocket among humans, according to a recent study.
The public response to the study has been small, and has mostly consisted of generalized confusion. “What are you talking about?” one longtime oat milk drinker said between sips of an oat milk latte, when asked about the suffering of millions of baby oats. “Their mothers’ milk? I don’t even know what that could even mean.”
The study was conducted by Oats R Friends, Not Food, a new nonprofit whose mission is to raise awareness about the plight of oats and other inanimate (“voiceless”) plant-based foods.
“It’s just not fair,” says Oats R Friends founder and sole employee, Topher McGilson. “What did those oats ever do to you, man?” McGilson declined to comment further on the study, saying the issue was too emotionally taxing to discuss. His organization’s study has not been peer reviewed.
Zac is a creatively driven freelance writer, independent scholar, and coffee professional based out of Charleston, SC. He holds an MA in Medieval Literatures and Languages from the University of York.
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