By Sam Stoothoff SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.” According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to…
DAVIS, CA— A new study released by UC Davis’s Coffee Campus this morning shows a shocking trend: an average of 97% of baristas laugh at the term “cupping” the first time they hear it. According to the report, the term “cupping,” which coffee professionals use to refer to a simple and standardized immersion brew used for assessing quality,…
JACKSONVILLE, FL— Barista Maria Alexie recently came back from her first-ever trip to a coffee farm, and according to sources, she now “really gets” that it’s difficult to pick coffee and is “so impressed” by what farmers do. “Whenever I would hear green buyers talk about working with producers on making sure to pick only ripe cherry, I…
By Robert Galbraith SANTA CRUZ, CA— Having recently been promoted to green buyer at a mid-sized West Coast coffee roastery, Desmond James was nervous about his first trip to origin. “After one of the importers we work with found out I had never been to origin, so they invited me to come on their next buying trip.…
MELBOURNE, AU— Entrepreneur and three-time Australian barista champion Stephen Volpe recently announced the launch of a new water additive that will “finally make it possible to brew great coffee with water.” “As many of you know, coffee is 98% water,” he told reporters in a recent press conference. “So the water matters. But right now, the water we…
PHOENIX, AZ— Inspired by her favorite erotic bakery, local entrepreneur and regional barista champion Maisy Kean recently launched the country’s first erotic cafe. We attended the launch party to see what all the buzz was about and found a happy, spirited crowd sipping free espresso bevs. “When I lived in SF for school, the best bakery in town…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Jorge Gadala-Maria WASHINGTON, DC— After a gallant attempt to dial-in on Monday morning at a busy downtown DC cafe, barista Lindsey Nowles concluded that the coffeehouse’s high-end grinder was simply “being weird” today. “It could be the heat and humidity,…
By Jákó Haraszti BUDAPEST, HU— Local home barista and coffee shop goer Kovács Józsi suffered first degree burns this morning due to his beautiful glass decanter, which still looked great compared to the plastic alternative that would not have burned him. After a merry and successful dinner party, Kovács broke out his full coffee setup to pin the…
By Mat North RED BANK, NJ— As word of a growing conflict over plant-based milk alternatives in one New Jersey cafe spread throughout the internet, the Knockbox hit the scene to investigate. Over the previous week, a fight had broken out over the management’s choice of plant-based milk alternative, sundering the unity the formerly tight-knit team had…
LOUIS, MO— Cafe customer Steven Kade stepped in a dog’s water dish today while getting up from his table, splashing his pants with dog mouth water and becoming profoundly displeased. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. Dog-owner Karen Ling found the incident regrettable. “I asked the barista for some water for my dog Misty,” she told us.…