NEW YORK, NY— A brand-new coffee and electric unicycle shop opened in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood only to be immediately vandalized, leaving the owners shocked and puzzled.
“We built this for the community,” said Marielle Sloane-Knudson, who opened the shop with her partner, Dennis Knudson, after moving to Crown Heights from San Francisco because SF was “so over.” “We really wanted to help coffee and electric unicycle lovers feel like they had a space just for them.”
“I can’t believe someone would do this,” said Knudson, standing amidst the shattered window glass. “It feels like someone smashed everything we stand for.”
Anonymous sources throughout the neighborhood report widespread joy and laughter at the act of vandalism.
“They can try to put that glass back in but I don’t think they’ll have very much luck keeping it there,” said one local community member.
At the time of publication, the Sloane-Knudsons are calling a glass repair company to come in as soon as possible.
Update: the window was replaced and smashed three times within the course of following next week. This story is still developing.