SAN FRANCISCO, CA— The Fourth of July was ruined for the crew of one local cafe when an overzealous guest wearing an Uncle Sam outfit walked around the shop for several hours calling all of the baristas and customers snowflakes and yelling the lyrics to “She’s a Grand Old Flag.”
We got on the scene to investigate and found a team of harried baristas sweeping red, white, and blue confetti off the floor. “We just got him out,” sighed Laurie Beyard, the manager of the successful coffee chain. “It’s been a long day.”
According to witnesses, “Uncle Sam” has been disrupting shops up and down Valencia Street all weekend, but he usually leaves after a few minutes. “He really stuck around,” said Kai Mara, who was working the mid-shift. “He kept coming up to the register over and over and calling whoever was on it a snowflake. It was really annoying, but there wasn’t really too much we could do.”
Once “Uncle Sam” started yelling at customers, however, it was a different story.
“I eventually went up to him and told him to get out,” said Noa Washington, a shift lead. “He left but then he just came back an hour later when I went on break. Finally we just had to call 311 to come get him. It took hours for them to get here because, frankly, there’s a lot of this going around today.”
As he was being removed from the cafe, “Uncle Sam” sprayed red, white, and blue confetti all over the shop, shouting at everyone to get over themselves. The staff is crossing their fingers for an uneventful end of day.